December 2, 2023
Worry Journal
- Am I a good enough teacher
- Yes. You’re learning, and you’re not as good as you could be yet, but you just turned 30. You will be teaching for another 40+ years. It’ll all improve. Plus, you’re working hard on learning japanese, so you’re only going to improve from there. Teaching now is also helpful for the future — even if you don’t know enough now, learning how to teach is still an enormously valuable skill that you’re going to be miles ahead on when you start.
- Prep for tomorrow okeiko (kinindate)
- Just prep, it will be fine. You might be sleepy, but adrenaline will carry you through okeiko. You’ve done this before many times. And, it’s not a complex temae.
- My okashi aren’t very good
- They are good. You’re not doing things that are that require a lot of hand shaping skills right now a la nerikiri, and there are plenty of techniques you haven’t tried yet, but what you do make is good. Keep working on it, keep improving.
- I’m worried about sleeping and the toll it takes on me not having it
- That’s why you’re doing this! It’s going to get better.
- I’m concerned about Arun’s comment “I feel like you lack faith” thing when we were discussing makod. This one is surprisingly stressful.
- You need to take some time to think about his point of view. It’s not entirely a political point of view — clearly lots of people hold this view too, not just Arun. Madhav and Mike both feel the same way. So it comes out of somewhere; you just need to figure out what it is.
- One thing that was very clear from our conversation is that Arun sells a future version of Polaris that doesn’t exist yet, whereas I don’t feel comfortable selling something that doesn’t exist.
- I’m worried about whether or not my boots (and Kristina’s boots) will fit.
- This is not a huge deal. We have only worn these boots in the house. If they don’t fit, we can just return them. There’s a bit of risk in whether or not we should heat mold them to improve them, but it doesn’t seem that risky. People online have shaved down the front of the boot and made it fit, so in the very worst case, we can still make that happen.
- I’m worried about if the boots I sold and sent over USPS will actually arrive.
- They probably will. Usually they don’t get lost forever — they fall off the conveyor belt, but they get picked up the next day. Worst case, it’s just money (and not a huge amount).
- I’m worried about starting a tankokai. Or maybe starting a group more generally.
- Yeah, this might fail. But as long as you’re doing tea, it’s okay. You’re only 30, and you’re doing your best. I’m hesitant to say “if you build it, they will come”, but there’s an element of that here for sure.
Gratitude Journal
I am grateful for…
- Having such a wonderful life partner who supports me through… honestly a lot more than I would have expected
- Having a great cat who enriches my life so much
- This incredible house, especially in this economy
- Having a stable, high-paying job that stimulates me
- Being able to teach tea, and having students who want to share tea with me
- Learning snowboarding recently, which is such a great source of joy